2018 was a big year for me. I learned to seek truth for myself rather than accepting everyone else’s “facts”. I quit my swim team that i had been a part of for 6 years. I learned more about relationships and friendships than i ever have before, i started driving, i found passions for things that i didn’t realize were there before, but all these new experiences and lessons are nothing new. Day after day and year after year i find that im constantly learning, constantly failing and improving, constantly feeling like i could do better and i think that is the beauty of time. Time gives us the chance to continue on even when we feel like it is all over. I challenge myself to think of time in seconds and not years. I don’t want to wait for the new year to have a fresh start because i know that I am made new and forgiven every moment of every day. I have not accomplished this thought process whatsoever but it is a goal i will continue to strive after. So Here we are moving on to a new year and while i know there are many lessons i will learn in the next year, i will continue to remember to tackle each day individually.
My breakup with Amazon
For the last few years i have relied heavily, if not entirely, on amazon for my clothing and fashion. The instant gratification of receiving products in the mail, and the satisfaction of ridiculously cheap prices were the driving forces for my addiction.
Recently I watched the true cost, a documentary that reveals the injustice and tragedy of the fashion industry in the world today. In an economy that is fueled by the materialistic needs of our society, our industries have been forced to resort to lowering pricing and in-turn lowering working conditions. Most garment workers earn no more than two dollars A DAY; 70% less than an american makes PER HOUR. April 24th, 2013 a garment producing factory collapsed and resulted in 1,134 deaths. The blood of these workers is worn by thousands around the world. The sweat, pain, tears, poverty, and heartache of garment workers around the world is present in the fabrics we use to express ourselves. Hundreds of garment workers in Asia leave their children behind in order to give them a better future. The cost of these mass produced garments is more than a dollar amount, it is the separation of a family, the death of a friend, and the deprivation of human rights. While watching this documentary and doing my own research I began to despise the items hanging in my closet. The footage and photographs of workers in Bangladesh and other poverty stuck cities was enough to repulse me from the very clothes i sat in. The statistics, testimonies, and hard facts only added to my anger and heartbreak. I did a large amount of research in order to prove or disprove the possibly bias creator of this documentary but I saw nothing but injustice and needed change in the industry. I came to realize that the cheap shirt from a chinese brand name that i purchased off of amazon was made by a company that silenced the voices of its workers, and encouraged the brutality of its business. I began to think of the terrible conditions that my clothing was made in, and the blood on my clothing. The blood of the thousands of workers that have suffered because of my american desire for cheap, instant, and selfish satisfaction. I am done buying clothing from companies that care more about their profit than the well being of their workers, i am done supporting brands that are killing thousands on the other side of the globe. I am done treating my clothing like it is a meaningless item when lives have been lost and greatly affected. It is not Amazon that is the problem but some of the brands sold on the site. However, there are brands on amazon that promote ethical production and well paid laborers such as patagonia.
I encourage everyone to do your own research, watch the documentary, look into what your clothing stands for and how it is made, reuse clothing and think before you purchase. Where your money goes is a physical representation of where your support and approval lies. I am not saying that you have to pay a high price for your clothing, but i do believe that a high price is worth saving a workers life.
THIS WORLD SUCKS
Okay but for real, this world is terrible. No matter where we look we are bombarded with the influences of sex, money, gossip, cheap entertainment, unrealistic expectations, and lies. I’ve come to realize these last few months that the media that I consume has SUCH A BIG role on how I think. I open my explore page to tv show gossip, romance scenes, and crude language. I listen to music telling me to forget about my standards. I hear my friends talk about their weekends and mistakes. Day to day I see people hurting, and dying on the inside. This world has nothing to offer us, this world is covered in darkness. This world steers us on the wrong path. The world whispers lies and deceit. It is so incredibly hard to stand out, and to stand firm in your decision to be the change. I suck at it; to be completely honest I’m writing this post because I’m DAILY struggling and striving the be different. I look around and see nothing but broken people; if that’s what the world gives them then I want something better than the world. I want something more life giving than sex, money, drugs and gossip. All these things are tempting because we have this well in our souls that runs dry and eventually we feel like we can’t find anything else to fix it. If you know about the one thing that promises to fix our heart then you’re in luck because it saves your life. Literally. If you don’t know the way to happiness then read the rest of this journal.
L O V E
What I’m learning about love is simple. Love is vital. Love is easy. Love is God. I’ve spent my entire life trying to make everyone else’s life better. I judge people by their actions and behaviors as if that is the right thing to do. But here is where my thought process stops working: I’ve met a heck of a lot of people that don’t believe in Jesus, that drink and smoke, that sleep around, that cuss like crazy, that gossip and judge and you know what a lot of times I still like them. How can I like someone if they don’t act the way I think that they should? It’s because we are all people! I’m learning that how we live is up to us and us alone. I’m learning that how we love is what will make the difference. I’m learning that making others feel guilty or dirty or unwanted was never the way Jesus intended. I want to love everybody, always. I want to love like Jesus and let him take care of the rest. I’m not going to be ashamed about Jesus and hide his name but I’m not going to wait to love people until they love Jesus. I want to put fear aside and treat everyone as if they were Jesus himself because Jesus didn’t appear the way people expected him to. He didn’t appear with a crown and a throne. He came out of wedlock, with rags not riches, from an unpopular town, from no fortune. I want to love people no matter where they are from, what they look like, what they sound like or what they have against me. I’m just like you I’m sure. I avoid the weird kids in the hallways, I talk bad about the same people everyone else does, I judge everyone else’s relationships, I smile in front of others and then talk behind their backs. It’s nasty and I’m not proud of it. If I want to love in a radical way I’m going to have to constantly remind myself of how I should be thinking and what actions I should be taking. The truth of it is that preaching isn’t going to change the world, the way we love and how we back up what we believe is what will truly impact this generation.
Strangers
In these photos I see faces. I see hard work, creativity, age, stress, joy and all the emotions in between. However, I can’t see the full story behind every face. I don’t know if they have kids, if they had a horrible childhood, if they work two jobs, if they live in a shack or a mansion, if they struggle with fear, if they question their existence, if they have lost a family member, if they feel loved, if they feel rejected, if they have enemies, or even what kind of music they like. I think people are complex yet simple; and its a beautiful juxtaposition. Each person has their own habits, sense of humor, personalities, pet peeves, mindsets, opinions, outlooks, hobbies, abilities and talents. Yet we each feel the same general feeling wether or not we like to admit it. We all are spending all our energy and all of our emotions on trying to find a place to feel accepted. The police officer may feel like helping others is where he feels most appreciated, the construction worker might feel like his paychecks give him worth, the saxophone player might feel like he is accepted because of his musical talent, the guy working the juice stand might feel like putting on a smile everyday is going to change the world. In actuality these are only guesses, I don’t even know the names of these people. I know that while we may be strangers we still share a lot of the same feelings. I feel as though what I portray on the outside, how good my writing is, how happy I look, how many friends I have, and how much I feel appreciated by others is going to make me happier on the inside. I feel like we all are living our day to day lives hoping that someday we will figure it all out and maybe someday we won’t be strangers to ourselves anymore. I am sure that we can agree that we often act as if strangers are well… strange. We act like they are off limits and out of reach. But doesn’t everyone at one time start as strangers? At one time married couples were strangers. At one time my adopted siblings and I were strangers. At one time my best friend and I were strangers. Why does the fear of the unknown hold us back if we know that strangers can become our closest friends? I am definitely not saying that I hold the answer. I took pictures of these people yes, but I never once introduced myself or even asked them for a picture. That would be “to weird”. We sit on airplanes with people and never utter a word, we go 10 months of the year in a classroom and never speak to the kids we don’t know. In June I spent a week with 500 high schoolers and I talked to a lot of strangers and you know what?.. I liked them. For some reason that week at camp my fear stayed at home and I wanted to meet anyone and everyone that I saw. As I was on our twenty hour bus ride home I was asking myself, “why does this feel so much easier at camp?”. And to be quite honest I never found a real answer to that question. I don’t know why, but I do know that I want to live the rest of my life like that. I want to never meet a stranger. I want to love without fear. I want to compliment people wether or not they know me. I feel as though the more we learn about other people the more we learn about ourselves. As I write these short paragraphs on this journal I stand preaching to myself. Often the things I write about are the things I need to tell myself. I never will have anything figured out, but I do know that Jesus calls us to love others the way we were loved, and if he was literally beat to death for me then I should be willing to step out of comfort zone to tell someone I like their shoes. While I am writing this I am sitting on a three hour plane ride next to a stranger and the only words we have exchanged are “excuse me” and “sorry”. It’s a journey and Lord knows im not even close to the finish line, but the beauty of it is that I’m moving forward one step at a time and eventually I will get there. If we are strangers lets not be, text me, message me, direct message me. Help me live this out.
May 28th, 2018
We didn’t know. We didn’t know how God would move. We didn’t know how many people would come. We didn’t know if we had enough pancakes. We didn’t know if we had enough room. We didn’t know how we would see our prayers answered in front of us.
We did know. We knew that Jesus promises us throughout his word that he will provide. We knew that our god is a God of miracles. We knew that we have the right to pray big prayers. We knew that we serve a God of love and a God of grace. We knew that if all else fails at the very least we can love people in a radical way that doesn’t make sense in the worlds standards.
We had over 80 people in my best friends living room and I saw some stare, some cry, some curious, and some in shock when we opened up the promises of the Lord and poured out our heart to our community. The lord answered prayers maybe my all at once but I know for a fact that tonight was not the start or the finish but the CONTINUATION of revival in Aledo High School, parker county, DFW, the state of Texas and even bigger than that this is a revival that shouts the love of Jesus greater than anything else... and it’s much better news than the latest gossip.
First day back @ the lake // may 10th
April 24th, 2018 // sing alongs and brookshire runs with jade will never get old even when she DJ’s and plays bad music
YL color war with my love // April 22, 2018
What I’m learning during this late night break down at 10:18 pm on a Wednesday night.
I can’t do it on my own. It’s not possible. I have a million people I want to spend my time with. I want to workout 8 hours a week. I want to sleep 10 hours each night and I have to go to school 7 hours a day. I can’t fit it in. I try and try and try again to jam pack my schedule hoping that I can do it all. I never can. I have to sit back week after week of feeling exhausted and tell myself that I can’t do it anymore. I have to look for rest in order to be efficient in what I do.
Why we raise our hands || March 25th
Hands in the air, that’s what we do at concerts, on roller coasters, and when we are held at gunpoint. Our hands above our head is a universal sign of surrender or worship. We worship our favorite artist when they come on stage by reaching out towards them with our hands. We put our hands up in the air if we are in trouble to show that we surrender. When we raise our hands in worship we are telling God we surrender it all. We are telling him we worship him unrelentingly. It’s a sign that takes faith to commit to but it is essential for us to physically show God that we want more of him and less of us. I want to live everyday day of my life with the mentality of my hands in the air as a sign or surrender and worship.
This is it y’all,I fail a lot, i dance like a white girl, I don’t always smile, I don’t always laugh, I get my feelings hurt a lot, I’ve hurt people, I have insecurities, I have fear, I have doubt, I hate things about myself, I hide things about myself, I care about how others see me, I claim to be vulnerable but in actuality my pride keeps me from ever fully exposing my sins. I sleep less than 6 hours most nights because I think to much, I constantly am afraid of letting people down, I lack motivation in most categories and my life gets messy. I don’t want to live my life posing I don’t want to hide behind an image that I have to work to obtain. This is the raw and real and I bet you can relate. The glorious news about all of this garbage that I carry around all day is that it’s all paid for. I don’t have to worry about any of that because I know that Christ has paid the price and I can live in his freedom. Every day I try to push myself to completely believe that I’m okay the way that I am. I rarely have a day that I can believe that but ITS SO TRUE. I continue day after day to fight trough my human nature to live through the divine nature of the one who saved me.
Feb 14, 2018
I don’t need a holiday to tell you I love you more than I already do but I’ll jump at any chance to celebrate us and celebrate the goodness of Christ for bringing you into my life. Here’s to the best Valentine’s Day yet (even though I hate the holiday)
Jan 29th, 2018
Today is the birthday of my best gal. She is there for me a million times more than I deserve. I try as hard as I can to spoil her with time love and gifts but it’s never enough because a friendship like this is just SOO GOOD. She radiates Jesus in such an amazing way you can’t help but see his love when you are with her. She has stood by me even through times that I didn’t appreciate her. She has taught me and continues to teach me so so much. Cheers to the 16th year of landry Edwards I cannot wait for all the joy to come.
January 28th, 2018
Spending over thirty hours with middle schoolers and only sleeping for 10 of those hours is an open opportunity for a lot of growth or for a lot of stress and misery. The week leading up to this weekend retreat i spent my time lifting this weekend to God. I prayed that the Lord would be able to speak through me and guide me throughout the weekend, i knew that i could not make these middle schoolers happy without the help of the one that created them. I truly believe that God showed up big time. There were so many times that simply because i asked one question or was present in one specific place that unbelievable things happened. Middle schoolers are yet to even have their identity figured out, and they were still willing to be vulnerable and honest. We cried a lot of tears but while some tears came out of pain, we cried tears of joy. Joy because we can let all of it go, we can walk in the freedom of the cross, we can know that every day is a new day. I am beyond thankful for the God that i serve and the way that he shows up when you call on his name.
Jan 13th, 2018
Relationships are often what we value most in life. We center our schedule around relationships, we change our appearance for relationships, we change our personality for relationships, and our happiness depends on our relationships. Notice the use of we; because i am just as guilty, if not more guilty, of these things as you are. We were taught from the very beginning that relationships are our number one priority. We were taught to have a good relationship with our parents, our siblings, our classmates and friends. For some reason we have been tricked into believing that our relationship with jesus is somehow in a completely different category. Don’t get me wrong, our relationship with jesus is very different because he exceeds any human in love and mercy. However there are so many similarities that we often ignore between our relationship with Christ and our relationship with the people we come in contact with every day. We could all agree that when you meet someone new, you introduce yourself and begin to share things about yourself. Then you spend more and more time with them and soon enough you are counting down the days until you see them again. You tell them all about your day, all about your thoughts and feelings. You tell others about all the great things yall have done together and all the funny stories. You talk about how much you love them in your instagram captions and compliment them when talking about them. All of these things apply the same way to our relationship with Christ, but get this... IT’S EVEN BETTER. When you meet Christ you introduce yourself and begin to give over parts of your life to his control. Then you spend more and more time getting to know him by reading his word and you spend more time in his presence in prayer. Soon enough you are on edge waiting for him to teach you more and more about his love. You tell him everything about your life and your feelings and your thoughts. You talk about how much you are in love with him to all your friends and always stand up for his name when someone is talking about him. For some reason almost all of us (including myself) can’t say that we truly treat Jesus like the friend that he is. It seems so simple, yet little to none of us are able to say we have a BFF relationship with Jesus. Although my best friend is absolutely amazing and loves me unconditionally there is no way that she can forgive my sins, or that she can love me when I continually lie and cheat, or that she will always love me no matter what i do and there’s definitely no way she can raise herself from the dead. BUT JESUS can do all of these things! I want us to just sit back and realize how flippin crazy that is. Okay so in the 43 seconds i just spent dwelling on that i couldn’t even begin to wrap my mind around a love that radical. We often treat Jesus like some kind of exception but he shouldn’t be treated any less, he should be treated with even more love. This isn’t an easy thing, heck i still suck at it, but i’m learning everyday that Christ is the only relationship that matters. Christ’s relationship is what we should value most in life. We should center our schedule around our relationship with the lord, we dont have to change our appearance for a relationship with Him, we dont have to change our personality for a relationship with Him, and our happiness should ONLY depend on our relationship with Christ. Notice the use of we; because i am just as guilty, if not more guilty, of not believing these things as you are.
Jan 6th, 2018
Today all my best friends continued to show me a crazy kinda Love by surprising me. They surprised me with gift and a birthday night including shrek. So thankful for people that love me as much as they do.
Jan 4th, 2018
With 360 days ahead of me and 5,849 days behind me there will be and has been a lot of change, growth, blessings, hardships, and all the emotions in between. Last year was one for the books and I know that 2017 will forever be a part of my testimony. These next three hundred and sixty days hold mystery and plans that I have no knowledge of. I am incredibly excited for all that will happen this year and all the amazing memories and stories i will have to tell this same time next year. This year my only resolution was to focus. Focus is my word for this year and my verse is 1 Timothy 4:13: “until i get there, focus on reading the scriptures to the church, encouraging the believers, and teaching them.” Especially with my extroverted, see-all-do-all personality, it is easy for me to lose sight of the important things in life and to never truly focus on one specific task. I often find myself thinking of twelve things at the same time and not devoting my full attention to my task. This year I want to focus. Not only on school, and friendships, and all the other things but on Jesus. Everyday of my life should be focused and centered around him. Jesus says “until i get there” meaning until he returns we should “focus on reading the scriptures to the church, encouraging the believers, and teaching them.” I am definitely not a preacher by any means, but Jesus calls all of us to be the hands and feet and to spread the good news. I want to be overflowing with God’s love. I want this to be my focus, my mission. This journal will include all the journeys, memories, and crazy blessings of 2018. Buckle up and get ready for the read.
